Learning to Advocate for Your Worth

Many people I know—and more often women, although I don’t want to overgeneralize—struggle to assert their worth. Why? For all sorts of perfectly rational reasons that eventually become barriers to moving up, whether in a formal hierarchy or along the more fluid, informal ladder of their profession.

The Four Stages of Competence

First, there is the question of competence, which can be difficult to measure. And it becomes especially difficult to measure once we reach the stage of unconscious competence. Initially, before taking on something new, we are at the stage of unconscious incompetence: we don’t know that we don’t know how to perform a particular activity.

Then, as we become interested in it and begin putting newly learned concepts into practice, we enter the stage of conscious incompetence. This is generally a turning point because it brings a sense of discomfort. Often, one of two things happens: either we stop the activity to avoid repeatedly confronting our incompetence (temporary though it may be), or we redouble our efforts to reach the next stage as quickly as possible.

Either way, feeling incompetent can lead to discouragement or motivation. In the first case, we respond by avoiding the activity; in the second, we strive to improve. But in both cases, we want to get rid of the discomfort we feel, simply because our brain is constantly working to bring us back into a comfort zone to ensure our survival. When everything seems difficult and uncertain, the brain interprets it as a threat that must be eliminated to protect us. Hence the feeling that we are constantly fighting an invisible force when we deliberately choose to “step outside our comfort zone.”

Those who persevere then reach the stage of conscious competence. At this point, we know what we know and how to do it, and we carry out the task with focus and attention, a desire to do things well, and a degree of self-criticism. We feel capable and in control, but nothing is second nature yet. It is our conscious efforts, repeated time and again, that can take us to the final stage: unconscious competence.

The Paradox of Mastery

And this is where, paradoxically, we often lose sight of our own worth. At this stage, we are no longer fully aware of everything we know, and we no longer perceive everything required of us to achieve a satisfactory—or even optimal—result as an effort. And because we don’t measure all the physical, mental, or intellectual energy invested in achieving that result, we tend to place little value on the process that made it possible.

Yet it is the combination of our willingness to remain uncomfortable, repetition, conscious effort, attention, and desire to improve that has led us to master the activity, while many others gave up along the way. And all these ingredients, together, are what create value.

Natural Talent Doesn’t Rule Out Hard Work

I also sometimes hear the argument of natural talent. Should we place greater value on an outstanding result if it was produced by someone who had a natural talent in that field to begin with? My answer is an unequivocal yes. For two reasons.

First, what may look like “natural talent” is often a combination of other underlying factors. Take an exceptional writer, for example. Even if they have an innate command of language, that is rarely the only thing behind their skill. Chances are they read extensively because language naturally fascinates them, accumulating a wealth of raw material in the process. They have probably also developed an extraordinary curiosity about their field of expertise, constantly poring over books in search of answers to obscure, highly specific questions that only a handful of people ever ask.

That is how they become an expert in their field. They could just as easily spend their evenings watching Netflix and rely solely on their already impressive knowledge to write. Instead, they have made a habit of going further, because their talent fuels them. It feeds their drive to surpass themselves and their sense of satisfaction, elevating their work to something closer to a calling than a profession.

The Value We Bring to Others

Second, if you hire this exceptional writer, it is because they can not only do the work for you, but also do it faster, better, or both. The energy you save certainly has value; the improvement in quality and speed of execution has even greater value.

The next time you wonder whether the quote you are presenting to a client is too high, or whether the hourly rate you are asking seems excessive, try listing everything that underlies the competence you now possess, more or less unconsciously.

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Does this resonate with you? Would you like to assert your worth, but find yourself lacking the arguments, conviction, or courage to do so? I can help you work toward that goal.